I could continue to be incredibly British about the whole thing. I could pretend that I’m fine. That everything’s fine. That I’m not starting to struggle. I could paper over the cracks that are appearing. Or I could hold my hands up and say “Yes, I am starting to find this all a bit too much. Overwhelming. Exhausting. Trying.” Is that so wrong?
I don’t think I’m a bad mother. Not at all actually. As my own Mutti has said “You’ve taken to it like a duck to water.” And I feel that I have. My heart could burst with the love that I have for Busby, and I’m not finding the actual physical tasks of Motherhood difficult. I’m just feeling kind of lost; where has my former self gone? Amongst the nappy changes, feeds, constant cuddles and crying, Hannah seems to have disappeared and has been replaced by Busby’s Mutti. I find myself with no confidence at the moment. Even something as simple as phoning our Letting Agent seems like a daunting, scary and mountainous task. I’m constantly doubting myself; the decisions I make and the things I say. The once barmy and bubbly me seems to prefer to keep her mouth closed in fear that she may say something incorrect, or that someone doesn’t agree with. I feel meek. Suppressed by my own lack of confidence.
The last couple of days have been incredibly trying; Busby is awake a lot more during the day and if she isn’t hungry, she’s windy – cue relentless crying. She wants to be on me constantly, which is lovely, but I need my space and own time too. On top of this I’m wracked with fear that she’s going to get sick; I’m absolutely terrified a visitor is going to come over and pass something horrid onto her. I know I can’t keep her free of illness forever, but she’s still so small. I’m just so scared of ending up in hospital, or worse, losing her.
A reflective post for this evening; I’m obviously now using my blog as therapy! I think I just need some decent sleep and a bit of “me-time”.