Overwhelmed

I could continue to be incredibly British about the whole thing. I could pretend that I’m fine. That everything’s fine. That I’m not starting to struggle. I could paper over the cracks that are appearing. Or I could hold my hands up and say “Yes, I am starting to find this all a bit too much. Overwhelming. Exhausting. Trying.” Is that so wrong? 

I don’t think I’m a bad mother. Not at all actually. As my own Mutti has said “You’ve taken to it like a duck to water.” And I feel that I have. My heart could burst with the love that I have for Busby, and I’m not finding the actual physical tasks of Motherhood difficult. I’m just feeling kind of lost; where has my former self gone? Amongst the nappy changes, feeds, constant cuddles and crying, Hannah seems to have disappeared and has been replaced by Busby’s Mutti. I find myself with no confidence at the moment. Even something as simple as phoning our Letting Agent seems like a daunting, scary and mountainous task. I’m constantly doubting myself; the decisions I make and the things I say. The once barmy and bubbly me seems to prefer to keep her mouth closed in fear that she may say something incorrect, or that someone doesn’t agree with. I feel meek. Suppressed by my own lack of confidence. 

The last couple of days have been incredibly trying; Busby is awake a lot more during the day and if she isn’t hungry, she’s windy – cue relentless crying. She wants to be on me constantly, which is lovely, but I need my space and own time too. On top of this I’m wracked with fear that she’s going to get sick; I’m absolutely terrified a visitor is going to come over and pass something horrid onto her. I know I can’t keep her free of illness forever, but she’s still so small. I’m just so scared of ending up in hospital, or worse, losing her.

A reflective post for this evening; I’m obviously now using my blog as therapy! I think I just need some decent sleep and a bit of “me-time”. 
Hannah

3 Comments

  1. 30th January 2013 / 9:44 pm

    What you are feeling is (I think) completely normal. Some days are better than others, and a couple of days of a crying, clingy baby that only wants to be held is enough to take it’s toll on any Mum. In those early weeks it is so hard when you can’t go to the loo/ take a shower/ make a sandwich/ do anything without putting them down and them crying – but it does get better! I promise. xxx

    • 3rd February 2013 / 7:39 pm

      Thank you lovely – am feeling much better after some “me-time” towards the end of this week 🙂 xx

  2. 3rd February 2013 / 6:45 pm

    Yep I would say you are normal x

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