Zombies

How to survive a zombie apocalypse…with a baby

As I write this post I have recently awoken from quite a disturbing zombie dream where Busby was sick, and we had to get her medicine from an overrun supermarket. It got me thinking… if there ever was a zombie apocalypse, how would you survive with a screaming, unaware baby? 

One of the various photos of me as a zombie: ex-drama student and Brighton occupant. I needn’t say anymore really.

Mobility 
Obviously in a zombie apocalypse mobility is key. You need to be able to run at a moments notice, which with a baby isn’t the easiest of tasks! Cast aside the pram, it’s all about the baby carrier – one with excellent neck support as your baby bobs up and down whilst you attempt to out-sprint the flesh-eating dead thing behind you. 

Food 
If you’re breast feeding then you don’t have to worry about this part. (Unless you get bitten or eaten, but we’re trying to avoid that!) Just remember to keep yourself hydrated. However, if you’re formula feeding what do you do? You can’t have a rucksack full of formula tins…that’s not practical! And you can’t make it up in advance… I suggest either buying (or if I’m honest by this point you’ll be looting) the ready made stuff and filling as many water bags of it as you can, or decanting the formula into said water bags and making it up as and when you need it. You’ll need a gas stove, but you’ll have one of those anyway if you’re prepared. Take two bottles and keep them sterilised with boiling water… Yes you may “waste” valuable drinking water, but if your baby gets sick then you’re opening a whole new can of worms!

Noise
Babies cry. Babies scream. Babies gurgle. Babies don’t know when they shouldn’t do this. The last thing you want is to draw attention to yourselves if you’re in a densely populated zombie spot. I don’t usually like the use of dummies, but in this situation they could save your life. 

Hiding Spot
The safest thing you can do is get out of the busy zombie hub, and find yourself a quiet hiding place in the country that you can defend well, and that only a couple of Zs are going to come across… or find yourself a boat, and sail out into the middle of the sea with enough food and water to keep you going for a few months. This way Baby can scream without the fear that you’re about to be eaten. 

Nappies 
I think we’re going to have to be eco-friendly and get (make) reusable nappies. Disposable nappies take up too much valuable space in your rucksack that you’ll need for food and water. 

Clothing
Make sure you pack practical clothes for Baby; fancy outfits are a no-no, as is anything with frills or that is baggy. Zombies will try to grab onto anything, so clothing that is loose is in danger of being grasped. 

Other important things
– Don’t forget your pot of Sudocrem; it’s not only fantastic for Baby, but useful for you as well. 
– Encourage Baby to start walking as soon as possible. Easier said than done, but hopefully in that situation the body would adapt for survival pretty quickly. 
– Unfortunately, Ewan the Dream Sheep won’t be able to come along as any light or noise could draw attention to yourselves. Make a silent mobile out of string and twigs to send Baby to sleep.
– If you need to make a supply run don’t take Baby with you – you need to be as quick and as quiet as possible. Leave with partner if you can, or get them to go. 

Can you think of anything else that would help you survive a zombie apocalypse with a baby? Tweet me or comment below. 
Hannah 

*Please note this post is intended as a spoof. However, if we do ever find ourselves overrun with zombies I accept your thanks!*

10 Comments

  1. Hannah Brooker

    24th February 2013 at 9:30 am

    You’ve lost the plot Mrs! Very funny post but let’s hope it never happens because I have the noisiest children and you know the classic annoying woman in films who always gets ‘got’..well that’s me! Argh!!xxx

    1. Hannah

      24th February 2013 at 9:55 am

      Hehe 🙂 Do you never find yourself wondering what you’d do if something like that were to happen?
      Xx

  2. jamal

    24th February 2013 at 11:14 pm

    I have written and published several zombie stories. Babies are normally taboo and I think we all know why. It’s not until recently that I have become involved with a zombie story on Facebook
    It’s called The Living Dark and someone dared include a character with a baby. I think your article is spot on and I see some problems for the characters carrying an infant around.

    1. Hannah

      25th February 2013 at 12:49 pm

      Hi Jamal

      Thanks 🙂
      Can you send me a link to The Living Dark? I’d love to have a read.
      Hannah

  3. Katie Sweet

    1st May 2013 at 10:06 pm

    I’ve revived my zombie apocalypse obsession via The Walking Dead. (only on season 2!) So, I’m a little late to the conversation and the show, but wanted to chime in! I love your idea of a boat for a few months! Such a great solution. I find the concept of traveling with a baby/toddler in a ZA fascinating (Being a mom to an 18 month old myself). I’ve yet to encounter this scenario, however, in any recent zombie flicks/shows. Since I’m currently indulging my obsession, I’ve actually been doing some research into how one survives a ZA with kiddies in tow. (Hence me finding your post) I hate the people who say to use babies and old people as bait!!

    It’s funny, because I haven’t thought about this in awhile, or at least, my last ZA phase was pre-baby. I’d like to think my survival odds have actually increased; my instincts for survival have strengthened ten fold. I’m not just fighting for myself, I’ve got the drive to keep my hubby and baby alive too, ya know? 😉

    Great post!

    1. Hannah

      2nd May 2013 at 8:11 am

      Hi Katie

      I’m so glad you like the post 🙂

      I think the people who say “use babies as bait” probably don’t have children! It would be an entirely different situation if it was your own child. xx

  4. LearnerMother

    31st December 2013 at 10:15 am

    Ha! Sometimes it feels more like I’m living right in the middle of a zombie apocalypse myself already…one thing’s for sure, if we ever did need to escape I’d have to de-activate their voice boxes or there is NO WAY we’d get even 10 feet without them giving us away! Visiting from the Love All Blogs linky 🙂

  5. Louisa

    31st December 2013 at 11:22 am

    Very valid points! You will have to be extra careful with babies when the time comes! We are making a zombie survival plan but have similar issues with a very noisy, defiant toddler. #loveallblogs

  6. Ruthy Williams

    31st December 2013 at 5:16 pm

    I don’t know what I ever did without Sudocrem so it makes perfect sense to ensure I have some with me if we ever face a Zombie Apocalypse!

  7. Sonya Figueroa

    6th June 2014 at 8:25 pm

    This is VERY useful stuff, at the end of 2012 we moved into a lovely house about 100 yards from a very big cemetery & realised we were pretty much bait if there were a zombie apocalypse. After a time we got to know alleyways & shortcuts & grew in confidence.
    At the end of 2013 we had another baby & the old nervousness returned….until now!

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