How to survive a zombie apocalypse…with a baby
As I write this post I have recently awoken from quite a disturbing zombie dream where Busby was sick, and we had to get her medicine from an overrun supermarket. It got me thinking… if there ever was a zombie apocalypse, how would you survive with a screaming, unaware baby?
|One of the various photos of me as a zombie: ex-drama student and Brighton occupant. I needn’t say anymore really.|
Obviously in a zombie apocalypse mobility is key. You need to be able to run at a moments notice, which with a baby isn’t the easiest of tasks! Cast aside the pram, it’s all about the baby carrier – one with excellent neck support as your baby bobs up and down whilst you attempt to out-sprint the flesh-eating dead thing behind you.
If you’re breast feeding then you don’t have to worry about this part. (Unless you get bitten or eaten, but we’re trying to avoid that!) Just remember to keep yourself hydrated. However, if you’re formula feeding what do you do? You can’t have a rucksack full of formula tins…that’s not practical! And you can’t make it up in advance… I suggest either buying (or if I’m honest by this point you’ll be looting) the ready made stuff and filling as many water bags of it as you can, or decanting the formula into said water bags and making it up as and when you need it. You’ll need a gas stove, but you’ll have one of those anyway if you’re prepared. Take two bottles and keep them sterilised with boiling water… Yes you may “waste” valuable drinking water, but if your baby gets sick then you’re opening a whole new can of worms!
Babies cry. Babies scream. Babies gurgle. Babies don’t know when they shouldn’t do this. The last thing you want is to draw attention to yourselves if you’re in a densely populated zombie spot. I don’t usually like the use of dummies, but in this situation they could save your life.
The safest thing you can do is get out of the busy zombie hub, and find yourself a quiet hiding place in the country that you can defend well, and that only a couple of Zs are going to come across… or find yourself a boat, and sail out into the middle of the sea with enough food and water to keep you going for a few months. This way Baby can scream without the fear that you’re about to be eaten.
I think we’re going to have to be eco-friendly and get (make) reusable nappies. Disposable nappies take up too much valuable space in your rucksack that you’ll need for food and water.
Make sure you pack practical clothes for Baby; fancy outfits are a no-no, as is anything with frills or that is baggy. Zombies will try to grab onto anything, so clothing that is loose is in danger of being grasped.
Other important things
– Don’t forget your pot of Sudocrem; it’s not only fantastic for Baby, but useful for you as well.
– Encourage Baby to start walking as soon as possible. Easier said than done, but hopefully in that situation the body would adapt for survival pretty quickly.
– Unfortunately, Ewan the Dream Sheep won’t be able to come along as any light or noise could draw attention to yourselves. Make a silent mobile out of string and twigs to send Baby to sleep.
– If you need to make a supply run don’t take Baby with you – you need to be as quick and as quiet as possible. Leave with partner if you can, or get them to go.
Can you think of anything else that would help you survive a zombie apocalypse with a baby? Tweet me or comment below.
*Please note this post is intended as a spoof. However, if we do ever find ourselves overrun with zombies I accept your thanks!*