I’ve been reminiscing about pregnancy a lot over the past few days; I’m suffering from extreme broodiness at the moment, so I’ve been trying to remind myself what it was actually like, not just the happy “baby moving in my belly” fun. Here we go:
1. Hairy belly. From about 12 weeks my tummy started to get really hairy. I was so embarrassed by my hairy belly that I actually apologised to every health professional who examined me during my pregnancy.
2. “Morning” sickness. More like an all day hangover, without the fun of drinking the night before. Bleurgh.
3. Public transport. You don’t get the good, priority seats on the bus until the bus driver has to lower the ramp to roll you on. Seriously. I had battles to the death (ok, maybe that’s a little extreme) for a seat with pretty, young things who could easily sit upstairs. I even bought a “baby on board” badge in an attempt to subtly hint that I might be pregnant, and therefore unable to haul my watermelon belly up the stairs.
4. Sex drive. Ok chaps, every book, website, magazine, app I read about pregnancy told me that I would turn into a ravenous sex-mad fiend. I was advised that I’d be pulling my partner into random alleyways and toilet cubicles to feed my hormone driven sex addiction. Fun times, I thought, I’ll experience what it’s like to feel like a 15 year old boy, but I’ll actually get sex. And so I waited. And waited. And waited. But no rampant beast emerged, in fact I experienced the complete opposite. I didn’t want anything at all. I had no sex drive whatsoever. Ridiculous.
5. Degorillafying. One of my favourite things about being pregnant was the fact that my leg hair grew at an incredibly slow rate; I only had to shave once a week, if that!
6. Rage. Pregnancy makes you so sensitive to everything; I found myself analysing every word that was said to me. I was aware this would happen, however, I did not expect the rage. I found myself getting worked up and angry over everything. For example, I had a huge rant on someones Facebook page because they said Shakespeare was only for posh, educated people and implied his work was rubbish. I don’t even really like Shakespeare (only to watch, as it was intended) but I really fought Shakespeare’s corner. It’s ok Shakey – I’ve got your back.
7. Chemicals. Wham! Second trimester hits and I can taste the chemicals in everything. Yuck! This made me super healthy though – I lived off fruit, and made every meal from scratch.
8. Chewing gum. I had to stop chewing gum in the first few weeks of pregnancy because it let too much extra air into my stomach and gave me tummy ache.
9. Pedicures. By the middle of the third trimester you can’t really reach your feet anymore, and the Other Half in your life learns a new skill: pedicures! Nick is actually really good at painting my nails. I’ll have to rent him out.
10. Labour. You can do all the shaving, waxing, painting you like to try and make yourself look presentable for labour. However, in reality, when you’re bent over the bed, covered in sweat, blood and tears, screaming bloody murder with your hair resembling a rooks nest, you won’t care if your nails are pink, or if the midwife notices your well-kept lady garden. “JUST GET THIS BABY OUT OF ME!”