I’m not ready.

Yesterday we visited Busby’s potential nursery. It was lovely. More than lovely. It was perfect.

After chatting to the lady in charge of the under-two section I knew it was the place for our little girl; they focus on learning through play. They have arts and crafts sessions, baking, messy play, and partake in lots of music and singing. Nurturing a child’s creativity. All things she would be doing at home with me if I didn’t have to go back to work.

Back to work.

Three words that make me want to break down in tears every time I say them. Every time I hear them.

“When are you going back to work?”

I don’t want to go back.

I don’t feel ready to go back.

She will only be 8 months old.

Still a baby.

What if I miss her first crawl? Her first bum shuffle? Her first step?

What if I miss her first word?

It’s only two long days a week. Not much at all really. But I don’t want to leave her yet.

It’s not my choice.

Why can’t I be a 1950s housewife with 21st Century liberties?

I’m not ready.
Hannah

19 Comments

  1. 3rd July 2013 / 7:56 am

    I feel for you!! I cried all the way to work on the first day back haha..but it does get easier..there’s nothing better than skipping down the path and being greeted by your little one 🙂 such a great feeling!! Rio’s got wise now and cries when I leave..now that does break your heart x

    • 3rd July 2013 / 9:29 am

      Aww bless him! Thank you love xx

  2. 3rd July 2013 / 8:33 am

    I have nothing practical to say but just wanted to give you a hug xx

    • 3rd July 2013 / 9:29 am

      Thank you for the hug 🙂 xx

    • 3rd July 2013 / 7:31 pm

      Oh love 🙁 that’s so rubbish! Sending many hugs back xxx

  3. 3rd July 2013 / 12:35 pm

    It’s terrible. In Holland, most women go back to work after about 12 weeks. 12 weeks! It’s insane! Little babies need their mummies. At least it’s only two days, as you say. I’ll be thinking of you. x

    • 3rd July 2013 / 7:31 pm

      12 weeks?? How?? I would’ve had a breakdown if I’d had to go back after 12 weeks!

      Thank you lovely xxx

  4. Anonymous
    3rd July 2013 / 1:50 pm

    I became a stay at home mum , let’s just say I budget like crazy to make it work with 2 little ones it wouldn’t make sense to work because if child dare costs – I even did a bit of nannying when Isla was 2 – it’s a hard choice to make hugs x

    • 3rd July 2013 / 7:32 pm

      Thank you for hugs 🙂

      Exactly – sometimes it doesn’t make sense! I think we’ll be in the same situation with two! xxx

    • 6th July 2013 / 9:18 pm

      SAHM now too…childcare costs and work refusing a rise (after being knocked up for the last 2 years and not having one) made it an easy decision HOWEVER when I went back initially after bean was 8 months old I was not ready! 3 days a week and I suddenly found that I did not give a s**t about my job. Whoops.
      Good job I got preggers again so quick 😉

  5. 3rd July 2013 / 2:13 pm

    Ah Hannah, I understand completely, I’m a two day a weeker and went back 8 weeks ago, it is still hard to leave her but Joss has really surprised me by coping really well, is chattier when I collect her and always has a huge grin for me. I know it’s hard to imagine but the doing is easier than thinking about it, I spent my lunchbreak on the first day making a collage for above my desk, looking at my smiley girl made it easier and was a good first day distraction!

    • 3rd July 2013 / 7:33 pm

      Your collage sounds like a lovely idea 🙂 I may have to do the same!

      It’s so tough – I’m glad she’s adjusted well xxx

  6. 3rd July 2013 / 7:56 pm

    Aw huge hugs to you my love, I remember this day like it was yesterday and I too returned to two very full and long days. Here if you need and massive hugs xx

    • 3rd July 2013 / 8:23 pm

      Thank you lovely xxx

  7. 4th July 2013 / 8:45 am

    Arrgghh, I know how hard this is. I went back after six months with CK and it ruined the end of my maternity leave because I was so worried about it. It wasn’t great but it wasn’t that bad either. With BB, they wouldn’t offer me anymore than the 14 week legal minimum so I felt like I had no choice but to resign. It made me feel physically sick at the thought. Try to enjoy what time you’ve got left. I know it’s hard not to think about though xx

    • 5th July 2013 / 6:37 pm

      14 weeks is nothing!

      So hard not to think about it 🙁 trying not to let it ruin the remaining leave xx

  8. 22nd July 2013 / 10:16 am

    I totally feel for you – when L was 3 months old I went back to work 4 full days a week and it was really hard. C is now 8 months old and I’ve made the decision to retrain as a childminder so I can be with them both. Being a mum is a series of hard decisions and lots of guilt. Thinking of you and hoping it’s not as hard as you think it will be xx

  9. 31st August 2013 / 1:12 am

    So hard … Franglaise Mummy is spot on being a much is definitely hard decisions and guilt and regrets either way, I guess as C21th mums we can have anything but not everything.

    Thanks so much for sharing at the Friday Baby Shower, Alice @ Mums Make Lists

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