Missing: One Spark

Those of you who read the blog, and/or follow me on the various streams of social media I frequent, may have noticed that I’ve not been myself recently. My jolly persona has been somewhat dower. My writing has been affected.

I feel so sad. So desperately sad.
I didn’t want to face up to the truth, as I’ve felt like this before. I never wanted to feel like this again. But I had to bite the bullet. Eventually. (There’s only so much sobbing on a freezing cold park bench, whilst your baby sleeps next to you in the pram, that one can take.) 
So I went to the doctor yesterday. 
It’s PND. Obviously. 
The depression feels different this time. Primal. A base emotion. Chemicals whizzing around my body. Making me feel sad. Making me feel anxious. Preventing me from sleeping. From enjoying time with my baby. In turn creating guilt for feeling like this; I have no right to be sad when I have such a beautiful baby girl. What a selfish Mother I must be to feel like this. 
I’m always close to tears. I’m always tired. I’ve lost my spark.

Image source
So what next? 
The doctor was lovely. She wants to see me regularly.

I’ve been prescribed tablets to help with my anxiety and to help me sleep. 

I’ve been referred for CBT. I’m so grateful for this. CBT saved me last time. Opened me up. Made me talk about everything I didn’t want to. I’m ready for it this time. I’m ready to talk to someone who will listen. Someone who won’t trivialise my feelings or give me a funny look as I try to explain the reasons behind my darkness. 
And I will find it again. My spark. I will find it, and I will be happy. 
I just need some time to process. Time to heal. 
Hannah
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21 Comments

  1. 11th December 2013 / 9:11 am

    Well done you! You have been so brave, going to the doctor is the hardest part, and then being able to talk about it on here, well I salute you! Although I don’t have PND, I’m no stranger to depression and anxiety, and I completely empathise with the feelings of guilt, thinking I have no right to feel like this as there are many perfectly happy people in situations a lot worse than mine. My mother then said to me how you wouldn’t feel guilty for having a broken leg, and depression is just as serious, except you can’t see it, so you shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling like that.
    I really hope the CBT and tablets start to help, I’m sure you’ll be feeling less stuck soon. If you ever want a coffee and a chat, then please let me know.
    Much love xxxxxx

    • 13th December 2013 / 12:08 pm

      Thanks Carrie – your mum is a wise woman 🙂 xxxx

  2. Claire Venables
    11th December 2013 / 10:03 am

    I have to say you are bloody fantastic Hannah. To open up to everyone you’re going to help others. PND, because of the guilt, must be hard to talk about. Depression is hard to talk about. It shouldn’t be and the more people like you there are the more difference it’ll make. I’ve got depression, your description about chemicals around your body is just spot on.
    All I can say is that CBT is great and you will learn more about yourself. Bea is a lucky girl to have such a brave Mum. If you want to talk I’m here. I’m actually studying CBT and done a bit of home stuff too. Xxx

    • 13th December 2013 / 12:08 pm

      Thanks Claire xxx

  3. Lori Inglis Hall
    11th December 2013 / 10:34 am

    A massive well done for taking this next step. I hope you take strength from the fact that you are obviously surrounded by a ton of people who love you and will support you through this. I think one of the most important lessons we can teach our little ones is that it’s ok to reach out and ask for help, that sometimes it’s the only way. Bea is lucky to have a mum brave enough to do that. Take lot’s of care of yourself and good luck on the next step of this journey. xxx

    • 13th December 2013 / 12:09 pm

      Thanks Lori. I’d been sitting on it too long really xxx

  4. 11th December 2013 / 1:59 pm

    Sorry to hear this, but well done you for speaking up and getting help. Take care, and hope you find your spark again soon-don’t forget there are a lot of us at the touch of a few buttons hiding behind screens for a virtual shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen 🙂 xx

    • 13th December 2013 / 12:09 pm

      Thanks Dani xx

  5. 11th December 2013 / 5:45 pm

    Sorry to hear this. I’m very glad to hear you have been to the Doctor though and are taking positive steps to try and feel better again. Sending hugs (and cake). x

    • 13th December 2013 / 12:10 pm

      Thank you for the hugs and cake lovely Mummy Plum 🙂 xx

  6. 11th December 2013 / 9:22 pm

    Hope you’re okay my lovely Hannah. I’ve written lots about PND so if you’re ever feeling alone feel free to have a mooch through because i know when I suffered I couldn’t read how anyone else thought or felt when they suffered, i felt so lost and i’d hate for anyone to feel that way. Always here for you. Well done on taking the first step, hope your CBT sessions work just as well if not better this time round too big hugs and cupcakes Hannah xxx

    • 13th December 2013 / 12:10 pm

      I shall have a mooch 🙂 Thank you beautiful xxx

  7. 12th December 2013 / 8:46 am

    Hello, thought Id write as I follow your blog, I think you are brave talking about this and I know nothing anyone says will make a difference but I know you are a great mum, its hard not to feel guilty but you shouldnt. You have taken the first step which is seeking help, and I really hope the CBT helps and you are back to yourself. Depression is cruel, my mum had quite severe depression and anxiety and its tough for people around you to understand. I feel like I want to meet up and give you a big hug. Thinking of you. If you do ever want to meet up for a play date let me know! not too far from you on the train 🙂 Sam and Daisy xxx

    • 13th December 2013 / 12:12 pm

      Hi Sam – thanks for your comment 🙂 Where abouts are you? xxx

  8. 13th December 2013 / 4:51 pm

    Hope you are starting to feel better. It takes so much power and will to even pick yourself up and be able to ask for help in these cases, I hope you are proud of yourself for doing that. I am sure you will find your spark again, because you already did the most important step there is – the first one.
    Good luck.
    #PoCoLo

  9. 13th December 2013 / 6:23 pm

    Well done for taking that first step – and for writing about it. Very brave. I hope the CBT helps and that you start to get your spark back xx #PoCoLo

  10. 14th December 2013 / 8:37 am

    Well done on seeking help. Hope the CBT does the trick again.

  11. 14th December 2013 / 10:42 pm

    Well done for writing this post lovely and I am SO sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. We are all here for you and will support you as much as we can. I hope that the CBT helps and you are feeling back to yourself soon. Take care and thank you for linking to PoCoLo x

  12. 15th December 2013 / 8:51 am

    This is a really brave thing to post. I’ve never been diagnosed with PND but I had a funny few months after my second was born last year and following a miscarriage earlier this year the emotions remerged. Since then I haven’t felt quite myself either so I can really empathise with that sense of losing your spark. I haven’t been brave enough to write about it like you. The CBT sounds good and I also think taking something for the anxiety and lack of sleep is wise. I didn’t and I wonder now if it would have nipped it in the bud. Hope things start to feel brighter soon. The blogging really helps, doesn’t it x (popping over from PoCoLo).

  13. 28th December 2013 / 8:51 am

    Oh lovely, how brave of you to go to the doctor and to blog about it. Sending lots of hugs xx

  14. 24th January 2014 / 10:51 pm

    I have only just seen this, not sure how I missed it. I am sorry that you feel like this, but am glad you have gone to the doctors. I too was diagnosed with PND in October and am on medication. Like you I felt like I didn’t have the right to feel sad, I have a beautiful baby girl – all I have ever wanted. I thought she would be disappointed with me if she ever found out. I hope you are feeling more like your normal self xx

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