The First Shower
As the warm water prickles at my skin, like tiny needles, I am transported to a world just over 14 months previous.
A world in which I had just given birth. Not even one hour before.
A world of bewilderment.
A world of awe.
A world of giddiness.
The clinically white cubicle in which I stand reminds me of the joy. The rush of emotion that flooded my being. That crept into every crevice. Into every nook. Into every cranny.
The moment that made me a Mother.
I remember the blood trickling down my legs. Mixing with the running water. Disappearing down the plughole.
I remember the shock of how much blood there was. The embarrassment that I was turning the stark white space into something out of a horror film. Worrying that I would ruin the bright white NHS towels.
I almost felt ashamed.
I remember the pain I felt, as the drugs began to wear off. The tenderness of my tiny tear. The pride of my war wound; I had survived, almost unscathed. No stitches required.
And back there, in my hospital room, sat my lovely man. Now a father.
I smiled as I thought of the joy on his face as he held our daughter for the first time. The unbridled love in his eyes for both of us.
And in that room my daughter lay in his arms, waiting for me to return. To nurse her once more. To comfort her. To protect her.
I let the water run over me and close my eyes.
These are memories I had forgotten.
Memories that had been replaced by first visitors, first photos, first smiles, first laughs, first gurgles, first crawls, first walks, and first words.
But the memories have been re-discovered. Remembered. Re-lived.
As I walk out of the shower and into the room, I half expect Nick to be sat there, cuddling our bundle, with tears brimming in his eyes once more.
*This post was inspired after having a shower in the hospital last week when Busby was admitted. My first shower after child birth was not a momentous moment from that day, but I am grateful that this memory has resurfaced. It was the first time I was completely alone for almost 10 months and the emotions I felt were immense.*