The First Shower

As the warm water prickles at my skin, like tiny needles, I am transported to a world just over 14 months previous.

A world in which I had just given birth. Not even one hour before.

A world of bewilderment.

A world of awe.

A world of giddiness.

The clinically white cubicle in which I stand reminds me of the joy. The rush of emotion that flooded my being. That crept into every crevice. Into every nook. Into every cranny.

The moment that made me a Mother.

I remember the blood trickling down my legs. Mixing with the running water. Disappearing down the plughole.

I remember the shock of how much blood there was. The embarrassment that I was turning the stark white space into something out of a horror film. Worrying that I would ruin the bright white NHS towels.

I almost felt ashamed.

I remember the pain I felt, as the drugs began to wear off. The tenderness of my tiny tear. The pride of my war wound; I had survived, almost unscathed. No stitches required.

And back there, in my hospital room, sat my lovely man. Now a father.

I smiled as I thought of the joy on his face as he held our daughter for the first time. The unbridled love in his eyes for both of us.

And in that room my daughter lay in his arms, waiting for me to return. To nurse her once more. To comfort her. To protect her.

I let the water run over me and close my eyes.

These are memories I had forgotten.

Memories that had been replaced by first visitors, first photos, first smiles, first laughs, first gurgles, first crawls, first walks, and first words.

But the memories have been re-discovered. Remembered. Re-lived.

As I walk out of the shower and into the room, I half expect Nick to be sat there, cuddling our bundle, with tears brimming in his eyes once more.
Hannah

*This post was inspired after having a shower in the hospital last week when Busby was admitted. My first shower after child birth was not a momentous moment from that day, but I am grateful that this memory has resurfaced. It was the first time I was completely alone for almost 10 months and the emotions I felt were immense.*

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9 Comments

  1. 19th March 2014 / 7:45 am

    Amazing memory.. I insisted on getting a bath not a shower? Bit mistake with all the blood..no wonder she looked at me funny when I asked if there was shampoo to wash my hair.. I love this post, every little memory of childbirth is one worth remembering 🙂 x

  2. 19th March 2014 / 10:38 am

    Ahhh I remember my first shower after having my eldest….When the blood mixed with the water I panicked and thought I was bleeding to death….lol
    Fab post….Lovely memories x

  3. 19th March 2014 / 3:26 pm

    Really beautiful post! I remember that first shower too – an almost out-of-body experience. Having just been through something so surreal, it felt like nothing normal could ever happen to me again, let alone a mundane shower 🙂 And strange to be alone having been surrounded by people for hours, and just at the point of realising I’d never be properly alone again.

    Clearly you sparked off a lot of memories – thank you! x

  4. 19th March 2014 / 6:47 pm

    Amazing post hun. I had some of the same feeling, but hubby had to come with me as I was a little war wounded. xxx

  5. 19th March 2014 / 9:45 pm

    It’s amazing how intense flashbacks can be. I imagine more so when they relate to a time of real emotion. I’d love to go back to my babies’ first weeks and experience it all again.

  6. 21st March 2014 / 7:59 pm

    My first shower is not as momentous nor memorable as this one. Your words are engaging =)

    #pocolo

  7. 21st March 2014 / 9:02 pm

    This has made me think back to mine, I remember walking bent double to the shower room because I was petrified I would tear open my Csection scar if I stood upright, in actual fact when I stood up it was fine, apart from seeing all the stretch marks I couldn’t see before she arrived! I remember doing everything in slow mo and also noticing how filthy grubby the chair thing was in the cubicle.
    Such a moving post 🙂

  8. 22nd March 2014 / 6:53 pm

    Oh my gosh, this takes me back to the bath I had just after I had given birth and the disbelief that I had now become a Mum for the first time. Lovely memories. Thank you for sharing this post with PoCoLo lovely x

  9. 23rd March 2014 / 11:47 am

    Lovely. My first shower was almost in pitch black as there was no light and I had baby in there with me in her cot as they’d sent Dan home! Your first shower sounds much better than mine. It’s funny how memories can be triggered in this way and things we haven’t thought about for so long come rushing back x

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