We’ve been the proud owners of a newborn baby for almost three weeks now, and with a Toddler who isn’t sleeping particularly well either (“Wheels on the bus” at the top of her lungs at 4am… what a TREAT!), it is suffice to say we’re pretty knackered at the moment.
Indy, the Boob Muncher, has provided me with lots of thinking time at 3am, and I’ve decided that there are seven stages of sleep deprivation that I’ve experienced so far.
1. The “being awake at 3am is actually quite fun” Stage. “This is fine. Actually quite fun. It’s like I’m 21 again and have been up all night clubbing. Yeah. A club with a small person suckling my breast for two hours non-stop, no alcohol and a distinct lack of music… unless you count the Mr Bloom theme tune that’s on a continuous loop in my head. Maybe not the best club in the world… But hey, I can read my Kindle and draft blog posts.”
2. The Bored Stage. “Bored of Facebook. Bored of Twitter. Bored of Pinterest. Bored of Instagram. Bored of Kindle. Bored of blogging. Bored of 3am. Bored of 4am. Ooh the dawn chorus. Bored of birds. Bored of 5am. Hello sunrise for a fifth consecutive morning. I. Just. Want. To. Sleep.”
3. The “gimme sugar and caffeine” Stage. “Tea and cake are my best friends. My quite literal bosom buddies. My life source. What do you mean we’ve run out of cake?! The milk has gone off? Well, it’s quite handy that I’m producing it like water from a tap at the moment… someone get me the pump!”
4. The Manic Stage. “Someone else is holding the baby! I MUST DO ALL THE WASHING, UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER, RELOAD THE DISHWASHER, EAT CAKE, MAKE DINNER, RUN AROUND THE GARDEN WITH THE TODDLER, TAKE PHOTOS OF MY TODDLER TO PROVE TO MY INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS SHE’S NOT A FORGOTTEN CHILD. EVEN THOUGH ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP.”
5. The Grump Stage. “Don’t f*cking talk to me. I don’t have the energy to converse. And don’t even think about giving me advice about my new child. Just make me tea and cake, leave it next to me and back away quietly. Yes I’m tired. Isn’t that f*cking obvious you numpty?!”
6. The Super Emotional Stage. *sobs on newborn who is feeding… again* “I’m just so tired. I’m a failure. I can’t cope. Let’s stop breastfeeding. No I can’t stop. I’m such a bad Mother for even thinking that. *howl, sniffle* Can you get me some more tissues please?”
7. The “Can’t. Keep. My. Eyes. Open.” Stage. Must… keep… eyes… *snoring commences*