Motherhood // The seven stages of sleep deprivation

seven stages of sleep deprivation We’ve been the proud owners of a newborn baby for almost three weeks now, and with a Toddler who isn’t sleeping particularly well either (“Wheels on the bus” at the top of her lungs at 4am… what a TREAT!), it is suffice to say we’re pretty knackered at the moment.

Indy, the Boob Muncher, has provided me with lots of thinking time at 3am, and I’ve decided that there are seven stages of sleep deprivation that I’ve experienced so far.

1. The “being awake at 3am is actually quite fun” Stage. “This is fine. Actually quite fun. It’s like I’m 21 again and have been up all night clubbing. Yeah. A club with a small person suckling my breast for two hours non-stop, no alcohol and a distinct lack of music… unless you count the Mr Bloom theme tune that’s on a continuous loop in my head. Maybe not the best club in the world… But hey, I can read my Kindle and draft blog posts.”

2. The Bored Stage. “Bored of Facebook. Bored of Twitter. Bored of Pinterest. Bored of Instagram. Bored of Kindle. Bored of blogging. Bored of 3am. Bored of 4am. Ooh the dawn chorus. Bored of birds. Bored of 5am. Hello sunrise for a fifth consecutive morning. I. Just. Want. To. Sleep.”

3. The “gimme sugar and caffeine” Stage. “Tea and cake are my best friends. My quite literal bosom buddies. My life source. What do you mean we’ve run out of cake?! The milk has gone off? Well, it’s quite handy that I’m producing it like water from a tap at the moment… someone get me the pump!”

4. The Manic Stage.Someone else is holding the baby! I MUST DO ALL THE WASHING, UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER, RELOAD THE DISHWASHER, EAT CAKE, MAKE DINNER, RUN AROUND THE GARDEN WITH THE TODDLER, TAKE PHOTOS OF MY TODDLER TO PROVE TO MY INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS SHE’S NOT A FORGOTTEN CHILD. EVEN THOUGH ALL I WANT TO DO IS SLEEP.”

5. The Grump Stage. “Don’t f*cking talk to me. I don’t have the energy to converse. And don’t even think about giving me advice about my new child. Just make me tea and cake, leave it next to me and back away quietly. Yes I’m tired. Isn’t that f*cking obvious you numpty?!”

6. The Super Emotional Stage. *sobs on newborn who is feeding… again* “I’m just so tired. I’m a failure. I can’t cope. Let’s stop breastfeeding. No I can’t stop. I’m such a bad Mother for even thinking that. *howl, sniffle* Can you get me some more tissues please?”

7. The “Can’t. Keep. My. Eyes. Open.” Stage. Must… keep… eyes… *snoring commences*

Hannah

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18 Comments

  1. 11th July 2015 / 8:02 am

    love this!! Remember all these stages with Darcie, and I’m now fully preparing myself for all that again come September! Bring it on!

    Kay x

    • 11th July 2015 / 11:46 am

      EEK! Not long! xx

  2. 11th July 2015 / 10:07 am

    Oh this made me giggle! Can I ad an 8th? The moment when you wake up suddenly and realise that you’re sat bolt upright in the nursing chair still holding your baby who has happily decided to go to sleep for now!!

  3. 11th July 2015 / 11:16 am

    hehehe! Aww! Bless you! I hope you get some proper sleep soon x

    • 11th July 2015 / 11:46 am

      Thank you! He’s worth it 🙂 xx

  4. 11th July 2015 / 12:01 pm

    Oh goodness I don’t miss this I hope this passes quickly for you although I suspect it feels like it’s last forever right now! I remember how hard it was with a newborn and Midge I always wondered if she was ok or left out thankfully nursery started in Easter do I didn’t have so much pressure on myself and I did catch up on sleep. Although A doesn’t sleep well now and I stupidly go bed too late so m still experiencing some of these stages! Btw I’m sure you’ll carry on bf cos its important to you and you’re doing great and it won’t be so hard forever but if you do feel it’s too much please don’t beat yourself up about it xxx

  5. Mud cakes and wine
    11th July 2015 / 9:35 pm

    Love this post I have two and expecting our third and know i have this joy again come january. Its that nod off and head jerking upwards thats just awful. Even though we all know its not forever it really feels like it xxxxx

  6. 11th July 2015 / 10:09 pm

    Haha, yep. Too true.

    Popping over from #MaternityMatters

  7. 12th July 2015 / 9:21 am

    Oh how I remember these stages and ice got it all to come. Number 5 is probably my standard response, oh how I love my sleep.

  8. 12th July 2015 / 4:14 pm

    Stage 4…. Man alive stage 4 is exhausting!! I feel like I should have my own theme tune when I’m in my manic phase…. peppered with a Road Runner BEEP BEEP partway through!

  9. 13th July 2015 / 10:10 am

    This post is brilliant! Although it scares me slightly too about what i’ve got in store… I do love my sleep! xx

  10. 13th July 2015 / 10:40 am

    Yep.. yep… and yep… these are all true and experiences and feelings I share with you! I’m a big sleeper, baby is 2 months old and I’d pay a lot of money to even just get 5 hours sleep in a row!

  11. 17th July 2015 / 8:47 pm

    Brilliant. This actually did make me ‘laugh out loud.’ Spot on. Couldnt be more right if you tried!

  12. 17th July 2015 / 9:33 pm

    Lovely post and so true! What would we new mums do without tea and cake? It’s like it was invented to help get us through the day.

    Well done for carrying on BF, I gave up because my baby girl was hungry all of the time, she didn’t sleep at all and neither did I, my boyfriend and I live away from family so I was becoming quite unwell and I suppose incapable as he works long hours all of the time and there was nobody to help so I could just get a single hour to catch up. I couldn’t even pump so my boyfriend could help as she was just constantly attached, quite literally. She thrived when we eventually moved over to formula but it’s a decision I regret every single day.

    Good luck, I hope you get some sleep soon!

    X X

  13. 17th July 2015 / 9:38 pm

    This is spot on! You poor thing. I am stuck in the midst of a leap / teething and we’ve been effectively ‘awake’ but trying to pretend otherwise since 4am. I gave in at 6am. We’re now watching Hey Duggee.
    One day, our kids will sleep. We must hold tightly to that thought 🙂

  14. 18th July 2015 / 8:16 am

    Ha! I seem to find myself on the 6th stage all the time and Elsie is almost 9 months old!! haha great post x x x Thanks for linking up with #maternitymatters x x

  15. 8th August 2015 / 6:53 am

    Can I add another step – baby finally sleeps/someone takes baby out for a walk and then you can’t actually sleep anyway as you are so frazzled/over tired! X

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