Motherhood // The 10 Newborn Commandments
1. I am the Baby, thy priority. Parents shall have no other priorities before me. Especially not in the form of another sibling.
2. Thou shalt sleep all day in arms of Parent, but awake as soon as thous head touches mattress of crib. Food consumption, hot tea and toilet breaks are forbidden for Parent.
3. Thou shalt begin cluster feed ten minutes prior to leaving the house.
4. Thou shalt then require a nappy (and full outfit) change prior to leaving the house.
5. Thou shalt save up two days worth of poo for an epic poonami for when dressed in most expensive and whitest item of clothing thou has been gifted.
6. Thou shalt not sleep in crib. Thou shalt not be swayed by Ewan the Dream Sheep. Thou shalt escape swaddle. Once again, thou shalt not sleep in crib. At night, thou shalt only sleep on Mother.
7. Thou shalt wake at 4am and spend an hour being the most alert thou has been all day.
8. Thou shalt then fall back to sleep, for three hours, once Parent has become caffeinated enough to be awake at 5am.
9. Thou shalt cry every time Father attempts to show Mother any sign of affection. Mother is thous now.
10. Thou likes big milky boobs, and thou cannot lie.