I’ve found the sleep deprivation very difficult; I haven’t had the brain power to compose a sentence, let alone a blog post… but last night I realised I could write about the very thing that has been hindering my writing ability: “Write what you know” and all that jazz.
Here are the 20 things I’ve learnt about chronic sleep deprivation… so far:
1. You spend a worrying amount of time in front of the mirror examining your eye-bags, wondering whether you could fill them with shopping rather than fork out 5p for a bag in Waitrose…
2. You rename your “Mummy Tummy”, “Obscene-amount-of-food-I-have-consumed-for-energy-because-I-no-longer-sleep Tummy”.
3. You cannot comprehend how you ever thought you were tired prior to pregnancy/having children. HOW?!
4. You spend hours wondering why on earth you didn’t take advantage of ALL the sleep before becoming a parent. All those hours wasted having fun when you could have been sleeping. Sigh.
5. You perfect your resting smile/grimace/bitch face after weeks of struggling to maintain the inner rage when someone who regularly gets a full night of sleep tells you they’re “tired”.
6. You’ve also become rather excellent at resisting physical violence when the above continues to occur.
7. You should probably take out shares in Yorkshire Tea (other tea manufacturers are available) for all the tea you now consume.
8. It might also be worth buying shares in a dairy farm for the above reason too.
9. There reaches a point where tea no longer has any effect, and therefore you turn to coffee, which prior to giving birth to a sleep-stealing bundle of love, you did not like.
10. Coffee is your best friend now.
11. You haven’t cried about being tired since you were a toddler, but here you are at the age of 28, sobbing your heart out because you just need to sleep for more than two hours in a row.
12. You find yourself staring in disbelief when friends without children tell you they voluntarily get up before 9am at the weekend. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!
13. You are envious of television characters who are asleep on the screen in front of you; Mr Tumble, you lucky bugger.
14. You find yourself confusing facts and fiction. (The other day I was explaining something I’d seen on a documentary to Nick, only to discover that the documentary was actually Star Wars.)
15. You genuinely cannot remember why you walked into a room. Or the point you were making in a conversation. Or what your name is.
17. You are so desperate for sleep, that you find yourself wondering whether that twinge on your left side is appendicitis, and after you realise you’d be put under general anaesthetic if it is, you sort of hope it might be… just to have a few hours of guaranteed, uninterrupted sleep.
18. You find yourself pondering whether it would be best to have your final child sooner rather than later, because you’re in the land of the sleep deprived anyway, so what difference is a few more months of no sleep going to make?!
19. A smile from your baby at 4am can make up for all the lost sleep…