The Birth Plan?! (The Ultimate Pregnancy Oxymoron)

My kind of pain relief
Image from here
People keep asking me whether I’ve written and prepared my birth plan yet. As an incredibly organised individual, it’s something that I would have meticulously devised down to the last second in any other situation, but after reading articles and books about labour I’ve decided that there’s really not much point; the birth plan is the ultimate pregnancy oxymoron. Sure I have a brief outline of a plan: 
1. Get me to hospital when I need to go 
2. Give me drugs 
3. And a bottle of champagne/bubbles with a straw
4. Don’t do anything that may result in me never being able to look Nick in the face again without feeling ashamed/embarrassed/mortified
5. Get her out of me as quickly and painlessly as they possibly can
6. Drink some more champagne/bubbles
7. Bring me smoked salmon
8. Cry tears of unbridled joy and happiness
But I don’t feel it’s necessary to prepare a minute-by-minute account of how I want the labour to go; realistically it’s not going to happen like that!
Water Birth
When I first found out I was pregnant I wanted a water birth. I’d spoken to quite a few mums who’d had water births and it sounded like a warm, calming experience. *Dim the lights…put on some pregnancy yoga chillout music…let the baby quietly and painlessly slip out of you* However, after doing some reading, and then hearing about water births from the male perspective, I changed my mind.
  • Firstly, even if you want a water birth you may not be able to have one; someone else might already be in there, or your baby might be in a position where it wouldn’t be safe to have one. 
  • Secondly, the water can slow labour down – and let’s be honest, who wants to put themselves through a few more hours of pain just to sit in a paddling pool for a bit? 
  • Thirdly, you’re not allowed drugs – only Entonox. Sure the warm water is supposed to help, but it’s only warm for so long.  
  • Finally, your birthing partner is in an awkward position behind you as the pool sides are relatively high. They can get in the pool with you, but do you really want your partner in luke-warm, bloody and potentially shitty water with you? Yes ok he did this to you, but surely there are better ways of wreaking revenge?!
I’m sure some of you have had magical water births, but it’s off the cards for me – at least for the first one! 
Image from here
No woman has ever won a prize for having a drug-free birth (that would be a very weird award ceremony: “And the award goes to…Rachael Clifton…who refused pethidine and laughed in the face of Labour!”). I do completely understand where ladies are coming from when they say they want to experience the miracle of birth without seeing fairies and goblins dancing together in unison, but I’m a wimp. So Entonox, Meptid and Pethidine me up! I do draw the line at an epidural I think, but never say never. I’d just like to be able to push…although you can now have a “mobile epidural”, which doesn’t mean you’re stuck in the bed unable to move around as with a normal epidural.
I may be relatively Posh, but I want to push. A C-Section does not appeal in the slightest; I will only have one of these if it’s critical I do. Not being able to lift or really do anything for 6 weeks? No thanks. I want to be dancing like a fool in front of my baby from birth! 
Yes please! Lots of massaging! 
I’ve used one of these before on my back, and although it didn’t exactly cure the pain it was a nice sensation. However, they are quite pricey to buy – although you can rent them, so maybe something to consider… 
Did you have a birth plan? Have you won an award for a drug-free birth? What pain-relieving methods did you use? Let me know by commenting below or tweeting me.
I hit 31 weeks on Wednesday – time is quickly ticking by! 
Wishing you all a fabulous week ahead!

1 Comment

  1. 7th October 2012 / 10:52 pm

    Oh I had a water birth it was great. I tried gas with my first but hated made me feelsick and dizzy! So I web with the water as my pain relief! His was a painful birth but like you I kept the plan super simple as you never know what will happen!x

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