|The Bus of Reality
Image from here
I was sitting at my desk at work today, having just received a text from a friend who announced she was expecting another baby, when it hit me. Bam! Squeal! Ahh! I’m going to be a Mutti. For real. In 4-8 weeks?!?! In 4-8 weeks I’m going to have a beautiful little crying, vomiting baby girl. In 4-8 weeks I’m going to be responsible for someone else’s life. In 4-8 weeks I’m going to go through one of the most painful, but euphoric moments of my life. Shit.
Up until now it’s all seemed so surreal; like the ever-growing Bump would be there forever – I just got really bloated at the age of 24 and it never went… Like the work I’m preparing to handover at the moment will never be handed over – I’m just doing it to keep myself busy… And all the baby stuff we’ve been buying? Well, that will just sit in the corner of the living room because we bought it for fun. Nope. It’s real. It’s very real. I’m going on maternity leave, to have a baby, who needs all this “stuff”. It’s fair to say that I have been hit by the Bus of Reality and I’m feeling a bit fragile.
I actually can’t believe we’re almost at the end of our pregnancy journey together. I almost cried today because I’m going to miss feeling her squirm in my belly. Don’t get me wrong, I know we’re going to have an amazing journey ahead of us, but I am terrified! Thus far I have felt safe, not within a territory I know, but safe nonetheless…However, we’re about to enter the unknown; a land of dirty nappies, crying, vomiting, and sleeplessness. A period of time that will test and stretch our relationship to the very furthest corners of love. I fear she won’t like us, or she’ll get ill and we won’t know what to do. What if we are the worst parents ever?!
I think I’m just going to keep breathing in and out and try to repeat “it’ll be ok in the end” until I believe it might be true. Oh. Fudge.