Returning to ‘normal’ had to come
At some point, I guess.
But I don’t feel ready for this.
Internally I’m a mess.
The School Run is all a part
Of a ‘normal’ family day.
But my mind is battling with me –
I wish ‘normal’ would go away.
I check and double check
The bag before I leave.
Please don’t make me go;
I want to stay home and grieve.
We make our way into the village,
At a slow and steady pace.
I look around me;
And it’s a proverbial smack in the face.
They are everywhere –
Happy pregnant bumps.
Glowing, stroking, smiling.
While I’m down in the miscarrying dumps.
I want to shout:
“That was me! Only two weeks ago!”
I want to scream:
“Why, oh why didn’t my baby grow?!”
Then there are the carrycots.
Newborns – gorgeous, tiny, mewing.
Ordinarily I’d smile and coo,
Which I’m now incapable of doing.
I don’t want to feel this way:
Devastated. Jealous. Broken.
Meeting eyes at the school gate,
Pity left unspoken.
One mum, a friend, gives me a hug.
As I try to hold back the tears.
So much love in a small action;
Like she could read my fears.
We make it home without an incident,
And that’s one School Run done.
The mental struggle; emotional turmoil –
I will eventually overcome.
I don’t begrudge your beautiful bump.
Nor your gorgeous baby.
I just wish I was glowing and happy like you.
Perhaps again one day, maybe?