We had our 12 week scan on Wednesday. I’d spent the lead up to the scan riddled with worry; convincing myself the worst case scenario would happen as a way to help soften the blow of losing another child. I wasn’t sleeping well. I kept panicking. I was close to tears most of the time.
But Wednesday arrived, and I walked through the morning on autopilot; sorting H-Bear out for his grandparents and packing my pregnancy notes.
We arrived at the hospital and Nick squeezed my hand as we walked towards the Women and Children’s department.
Thankfully the scan was in a different area to EPU – although a few mums were being sent there to the overflow room. I kept repeating to Nick I was SO thankful that it wasn’t us. I’m not sure I could have mentally dealt with going there.
The wait for the sonographer was a longish one (it felt especially so with a full bladder), but my name was finally called and we followed the sonographer through the doors.
I wanted to cry and turnaround as we walked into the ultrasound room.
I kept my eyes closed and head turned from the screen while she started the ultrasound. Bracing myself to be told “I’m so sorry” again, but instead she swivelled the monitor and said “Here’s your baby” and I burst into tears. Sobbing to her about our lost baby. Not quite believing that our baby was alive and doing acrobatics on the screen!
And just like his/her siblings, Bun was an awkward scan participant. Moving and twirling, showing us everything but the parts the sonographer needed to check! Bun started hiccuping and then promptly fell asleep in the wrong position, so I had to jiggle about on the bed to get him/her to wake up again.
We left the hospital ridiculously happy (and incredibly shocked on my part), clutching our scan photo. Bun has the family button nose and the fear that we won’t get to kiss that little nose is starting to lessen… a little. I’m not sure I’m ever going to fully relax during this pregnancy, but I’m so thankful there was a heartbeat. Bun was also growing to the right dates and still has an estimated due date of 2nd December (although I think he or she might arrive in November).
I suppose I can tentatively start getting excited now…!