Pregnancy after miscarriage is hard. For a number of reasons.
But it’s also incredible.
Holding that positive pregnancy test in my hands, the only thing that went through my head was disbelief. After months of mourning, I never believed that we’d be lucky enough to fall pregnant again. I’d spent such a long time in a trance-like state; going through the motions of life, instead of living it. But as the line on each test got bolder, I started to realise that this was real and I woke up.
I was bombarded with a barrage of emotions: Fear. Excitement. Worry. Sadness. Frustration.
What if we lost another one? What if I went through another gruelling first trimester, only to find out that our baby had stopped developing again? What if I couldn’t do this pregnancy, mentally?
But as each week has passed. As each scan has happened and we’ve seen Baby Bun wriggling and waving at us. As each wave of nausea has knocked me down. I have started to relax… a little.
The thing I’m finding hardest about pregnancy after miscarriage is answering the question “so is this baby number three?”, because this is my fifth pregnancy, after a very early miscarriage in May 2016 and then our miscarriage at 12 weeks last autumn. I find myself either saying “yes…” so I don’t make the conversation awkward… or I find myself explaining… which tends to lead to pitying looks and awkward silences.
I don’t want to forget my lost babies. But equally, I don’t have the energy to tell my life story to everyone who asks. And this makes me feel very torn.
However, this pregnancy has made me feel so thankful. Despite the complaints after being sick again. Despite feeling like I’m constantly hungover. I am so incredibly thankful that we have this fifth chance to create, grow and nurture another child.
With every wiggle in my tummy. With every breast ache. With every day that my bump grows. With every night time pee. With every strange stir fry craving. I am beyond happy that Bun seems healthy and well.
This pregnancy has helped to heal the grief of my previous miscarriages. And with each week that passes (very swiftly), I find myself feeling stronger, more relaxed and cautiously excited. I can’t wait to hold Bun. To snuggle him/her. To spend night feeds soaking up every little detail.
There have been times over the past 10 months where I’ve wondered whether I would ever feel mentally, physically and emotionally ready to embark on pregnancy again, after everything we’ve been through. But I am so glad we made the decision to try for one last baby. Bring on December.