“How old is your baby?”
“One year old,” I reply,
“Oh gosh, I bet that year
Has really flown right by.”
“Yes!” I nod in agreement,
“I’m not sure where it’s gone!
It seems like only yesterday
This baby boy was born…”
She looks me up and down,
A frown upon her face,
A negative comment is coming,
I prepare myself and brace:
“So… I see you haven’t bothered
To lose the baby weight yet?”
Well, blow me over with a feather,
Did I stupidly forget?!
It probably slipped my mind,
Whilst awake all bloody night,
Feeding, rocking, trying not to cry,
Gripping my sanity with all my might.
Or maybe it was during the days,
I couldn’t leave our home?
Because all he did was scream;
You’d all stare if we went for a roam.
My mental health is in tatters,
Jigsaw pieces on the floor.
My anxiety frequently prevents me,
Leaving our own front door.
For the past 12 months I’ve struggled,
To keep myself afloat,
The last thing on my mind has been
My big ol’ tummy bloat.
Well, that’s a lie, the niggle has been there,
In the back of my mind,
Poking, jiggling, sobbing,
The thoughts have been unkind.
But eating has been the only way
To keep myself powering through,
I’ve had no energy for exercise;
Stagnant. A living statue.
Do you not think I don’t already feel,
Disgusting enough inside,
Without your awful comments,
The bitterness, the snide?
I try. I try. I try.
I want to be back to myself.
The collection of dresses in my wardrobe,
The skinny jeans on my shelf.
I want to scream this at the woman,
I turn to move nearer,
But then I realise it’s just me.
Standing in front of the mirror.
Oh, love. I can’t pretend I can fully understand what you’ve been going through (my previous weight gain related solely to greed and cheesecake; nowhere near as impressive or adorable as the reason for yours) but I still want to tell you that I think you’re doing absolutely bloody brilliantly at keeping two tiny humans alive. I can’t imagine how tough parenting must be (or how rewarding!). You are a beautiful and fantastic Mum, and a gorgeous and super sexy woman regardless of parental status [insert saucy wink and finger guns here]. I have no doubt that those skinny jeans will be back off the shelf sooner than you think, but for now keeping yourself going despite lack of sleep and some tough, tough times is much more important. I’m sure your delightful family love you for that even more than when your waist was a little smaller (and it will be again, if you want it to be :)) and that girl in the mirror has been suffering recently too- so she also needs to cut herself a break 🙂 xxx
Author
Thank you so much Katie. I’ve always suffered from negative body image issues; it’s so difficult to tell those voices to shut up - especially with the added stress of exhaustion, PND and anxiety! I would quite like to stop feeling so tormented now. I’m hoping our impending 3 weeks in Sussex will help - it will be good to be home! And I’m going to walk up and down as many hills as I can with the pushchair!!! xxx
You’ve had the right priorities lovely lady. Baby Boy has needed you and you’ve bee there. Unfortunately there are no medals for mummahood but you would be doubly deserving. Sharing is powerful and will help so many people. Well done. X
Author
Thank you Rhi xxx
I have always been a big girl and 2 years ago I hit my 10 stone loss then I got married and got a bit more comfortable so put some weight back on! When we started trying for a baby I tried losing again then we got pregnant and I couldn’t seem to stick to it at all this baby wanted chocolate and cake! I only put on 2 stone whilst pregnant which i was ok with but then after I found it impossible to stick to with the new born baby constantly on the boob!!! Clem is now 5 months and I am back on it I have lost 8lbs so far but still have a long way to go! The baby has completely changed the shape of my body and I hate it but its sooooo refreshing to read that I’m not alone! Thanks Hannah I really enjoy your blog!!!
Author
Thanks for your lovely comment Kara. The newborn boobing is hard - I ate so many flapjacks!! xx
Awk Hannah </3 Sending you so much love and encouragement. You are fabulous. You are strong. You are enough.xo
Author
Thank you so much Hannah xx
Oh I love this so much! I was fine first child, all went well, I lost all my weight after 6 months. Second child? Lost my sanity and and kept a stone. And that’s after nearly three years. I’m trying to stop comfort eating and have just joined a gym but damn it it’s hard sometimes - when you’re surviving on no sleep flapjacks often seem like the most sensible option x x
Oh, we really do beat ourselves up so badly. Sending you lots of hugs - there are plenty more years to spend loving and appreciating your family, now it’s time to love and appreciate your incredible body that brought a baby into this world. Feck the ideas of “losing the baby weight”, you’ve got your priorities right and your body says “Hey. I brought LIFE into the world. What did you do today?”. Be kind to yourself.
Goodness Hannah this just gave me a chill - I wasn’t prepared for that ending but blimey it is true isn’t it? Hugs to you lovely. xxx
This is such a timely poem. I feel very similar. My youngest was born 19 months and that middle ring just won’t budge. I too look at my old clothes longingly and although they do fit, i still look like I’m newly pregnant.- my biggest critic is me. It’s a very brave poem but you are not alone.
What a great poem - with an ending that will resonate with so many (and not just pregnant ladies). Brilliantly done 🙂 x